This entry is not a happy one. It is one of questions without answers, the whys and the why nots!, the do I exist or don't I, and the what the hell am I doing here and why can't I have a bit of heaven here!
I miss the military life. I really do. I understood it, I relished it! It gave me meaning! Maybe because the military life is more regimented. Maybe because in the military things are black and white, there is no, "Well.....maybe....." We met a neighbor from the "Layton side" tonight who's wife is from a military family. Her brother was just being deployed. Hard day and yet such a proud day! As he was talking to us, there was no judgement because we were from one area or another. There was actually a camaraderie! It was good to meet him! Deployments and TDY's are hard. They will either make you or break you as a spouse/family. For Randy and I, it made us who we are today! And I HATE that we are here at "home" amongst those who live daily in the gray area! It has started to seep into my family over the too many years of living here, and I don't know how to stop it! It is showing up in sneaky ways, such as, saying one thing and doing another, making excuses instead of standing up and changing, whining and pouting when it's not done a certain way, but when the way is approved, there is much cheering and jubilation! None of this happened before. It's wearing me down.....
Why are we given talents and abilities if not to use them to better our existence? I feel my abilities are a waste. I am like a vegetable, just existing day to day. I do not know why I get certain feelings only to have them dashed against some hidden rocks! It's like some way of taunting me. I know I am not where I am supposed to be, I just don't know how to GET where I'm supposed to be! There's no way to get there from here! And NO ONE will HELP me! I'm tired of embarrassing myself explaining why we need help, then being laughed at behind my back and still not receiving the help needed!
I have prayed for understanding and all I receive as my answer is that there is a peaceful feeling in my heart. And yet, things don't change! This peace in my heart is like a lie when all I live with day in and day out is everything BUT peace! It is very frustrating and I have begun to doubt my very reason for wanting peace. Maybe I need to be more GRAY. That seems to be the way of this world. I am so ready to leave this frail existence! If this is joy, as we are meant to live in, I don't want any more of it! If this is joy, I have had my fill!