Thursday, August 19, 2010

No Egg Drop Soup Fo You!

So we went to our favorite Chinese restaurant tonight, Dragon Hill. Just Randy and I. Our waitress and waiter were awesome! When we first sat down, our waitress gave us our menus, but we just left them there. WE knew what we wanted. When she came back over, she said, "You no wan menus?" We said, "No, we know what we want already." That started it all. She started joking with us, so of course, we gave it back. So when Randy wanted egg drop soup with his order, she said, "Oh....we no have egg drop soup. Weaw out." We laughed, said it was alright, and she left with our orders.

She came back with the soup and gave both soups to me! It was funny! So I gave Randy his, and when she came back, she said, "Oh, you gave him soup?" I said, "Yes, I'm sharing mine." She laughed! Then when our main course came I asked her for some chopsticks. She said, "But you American!" I said, "Ya, but it tastes better with chopsticks!" She smiled and brought some back and said, "I like yoa answa, so here yoa go." It was great!

Our fortune cookies were interesting. Randy's says....You will make a change for the better within the year. (one can only hope!!!!!) Mine says....You will have a close encounter of a surprising kind. I'm kind of scared! I guess as long as Randy is close by, that will be a good enough "close encounter" for me! I mean, I like surprises, but.....

So after rolling out of the restaurant, we are home, safe and sound, full to the max, fat and happy, ready for bed. Life is good tonight. :)
A tribute to my dad......he died 25 years ago today. You are missed beyond words dad. I miss your smile, your words of wisdom, your humor, your hugs.... everything! I would give everything I own just to have you back again, just to touch you once again. Love you daddy!!!!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Does Anyone Know Where the Love of God Goes....

This entry is not a happy one. It is one of questions without answers, the whys and the why nots!, the do I exist or don't I, and the what the hell am I doing here and why can't I have a bit of heaven here!

I miss the military life. I really do. I understood it, I relished it! It gave me meaning! Maybe because the military life is more regimented. Maybe because in the military things are black and white, there is no, "Well.....maybe....." We met a neighbor from the "Layton side" tonight who's wife is from a military family. Her brother was just being deployed. Hard day and yet such a proud day! As he was talking to us, there was no judgement because we were from one area or another. There was actually a camaraderie! It was good to meet him! Deployments and TDY's are hard. They will either make you or break you as a spouse/family. For Randy and I, it made us who we are today! And I HATE that we are here at "home" amongst those who live daily in the gray area! It has started to seep into my family over the too many years of living here, and I don't know how to stop it! It is showing up in sneaky ways, such as, saying one thing and doing another, making excuses instead of standing up and changing, whining and pouting when it's not done a certain way, but when the way is approved, there is much cheering and jubilation! None of this happened before. It's wearing me down.....

Why are we given talents and abilities if not to use them to better our existence? I feel my abilities are a waste. I am like a vegetable, just existing day to day. I do not know why I get certain feelings only to have them dashed against some hidden rocks! It's like some way of taunting me. I know I am not where I am supposed to be, I just don't know how to GET where I'm supposed to be! There's no way to get there from here! And NO ONE will HELP me! I'm tired of embarrassing myself explaining why we need help, then being laughed at behind my back and still not receiving the help needed!

I have prayed for understanding and all I receive as my answer is that there is a peaceful feeling in my heart. And yet, things don't change! This peace in my heart is like a lie when all I live with day in and day out is everything BUT peace! It is very frustrating and I have begun to doubt my very reason for wanting peace. Maybe I need to be more GRAY. That seems to be the way of this world. I am so ready to leave this frail existence! If this is joy, as we are meant to live in, I don't want any more of it! If this is joy, I have had my fill!